Traci Nobles, a 35-year-old former cheerleading coach from Athens, GA, was one of former Rep. Anthony Weiner’s sexting partners. She talks about her experiences here. She will soon be releasing a “tell-all” book about her experiences entitled “I Friended You.” I went to grad school in Athens, and I thought women there had more class. It’s one thing to be a virtual homewrecker; it’s another to add insult to injury by profiting from it.
Op-Ed piece I was trying to get published last week:
They say “Boys will be boys.” This statement presupposes that ways of man cannot change. Of course, men can change if we are forced to. Ever watched “Mad Men” and thought “Wow, things have really changed since the 1960s!” Well, you can thank the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and nearly 50 years of accompanying jurisprudence for that.
The problem is, however, government only has limited jurisdiction to control the acts of individuals. There are laws against making sexist comments in the workplace, but there is no law against cat calling on the street.
And there is certainly no law prohibiting married men from sexting via SMS or on social-networking sites (unless it’s a government issued phone like former-Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick). In fact, the law is moving in the opposite direction–states are decriminalizing adultery (which is the proper course of action).
Public opinion does not seem to regulate behavior either. There are countless elected officials who have been reelected notwithstanding a sex scandal. Or if he leaves public office, he can always get a show on CNN like Eliot Spitzer.
So that’s the dilemma society is faced with: we have to find a way to change men in areas where they cannot be forced to change.
Because there is essentially nothing to force men into fidelity, men must independently do our part to fight temptation, especially in the digital age. It was relatively difficult to receive a message from your mistress by “snail mail.” Now we can send and receive private messages from an assortment of devices in real-time.
The biggest externality of instantaneous communication is the lack of forethought that goes into a text or tweet. We process information very quickly and have all sent messages without thinking (After all, Twitter is basically an external hard drive for our brains).
Accordingly, it does not surprise me when smart people do extremely stupid things. Fidelity is not about intellect, it is about discipline. Today’s committed man is one who takes steps to remain committed. It is not possible to be a passive monogamist anymore. Men, even those who are not on social-networking sites, are faced with online perils every day.
I fear that we are just seeing the beginning of Adultery 2.0 because the ways of man are not keeping up with the changes in society. As the world becomes more ripe for trouble, men have to resort to more “drastic” measures to prevent oneself from getting in trouble. I placed drastic in quotations because the methods for fighting temptation are not that drastic at all.
Out of all the ways to stay out of trouble, I believe staying away from private communication is the easiest and most effective. That’s part of the reason why I like Twitter so much; if you send a message to someone, ALL of your followers will see it. Although you can send a private direct messages (like Rep. Weiner tried to do), you are still limited to 140 characters.
I am a firm believer that every message that could be written on someone’s Facebook wall or as a public tweet should be. There’s no reason why a guy in a relationship should send “so how was your day?” as a private message or a DM. Further, context is significantly more important in written language. The reader’s impression (i.e. that of the significant other) and not the senders intention is what matters. Moreover, while men may not necessarily make smart decisions in a public forum, we are more likely to consider the consequences of our actions than when acting clandestinely.
Many people challenge my public-communication solution by invoking “privacy” concerns, but to that I say 1) our notions of “privacy” largely began with the cell phone (remember the days of worrying about mom picking up the phone while you were sweet talking?) and 2) the vast majority of “private” conversations we have are not private at all. If something were truly private, you probably would not send it in a text message because you would not know if the intended recipient received it. I also cannot think of any seriously private message that I have received on a social-networking site.
My approach may be “drastic,” but I cannot think of another practical way to change the ways of man. While I realize that I cannot stop all men from cheating, I can at least help people think before sending lewd Twitpics to all their followers
People often think that power and status causes powerful men to cheat. However, according to Ronald Levant, a psychologist at the University of Akron, “Power is a facilitator [and] it provides opportunities to men with certain appetites but seldom changes personality in any fundamental way.”
This research is in line with common sense. As stated by the article:
arrogance generally precedes power, not the other way around. For all their professed suspicion of autocrats, people tend to cede authority precisely to those individuals who want it most. Studies of group behavior suggest that the overconfident, outspoken individuals are the ones who tend to become the leaders. And the experience of being at the top only reinforces the person’s sense of control and self-centeredness
We are shocked when powerful men cheat, but we often forget that men who desire to be at the top are often driven by selfish desires. This, of course, is not to say that all people at the top are self-centered. Certainly, there are morally upright people who become politicians and CEOs and retain their sense of ethics. The key is identifying these individuals before we bestow ge responsibilities upon them. This is difficult, as everyone put their best foot forward when they seek a promotion.
Related articles
- A Sexist Pig Myth (nytimes.com)
We all know the facts surrounding the Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn stories. This post is not going to revisit their indiscretions at all. However, Slate had a really good article (well, they always have good articles, but I’ve digressed) in which they challenge the notion that the French have more lax attitudes toward sex than in America. According to the article, there seems to have been a role reversal and Americans may have more lax attitudes.
I’m not here to debate the merits of this argument. I did, however, find the discussion on America’s “Infidelity Plus” standard intriguing. The author suggests that Americans only care about infidelity when it also involves 1) deceit or 2) a crime. Indeed, this seems to be the case and many public figures are starting to figure out that their best bet is to cheat and immediately come forward.
Deceit and criminal activity certainly make infidelity worse, but why should we treat infidelity, by itself, as no big deal? Infidelity starts with the mind and manifests itself through action. While the fact that a man comes clean before he gets caught is admirable, people should still question why he cheated in the first place. Our Infidelity Plus standard is even more ridiculous when you consider the fact that coming clean before getting caught is seen more as a way to preserve one’s career than a genuine showing of guilt.
Source: Slate
Over a year ago, I wrote on an hot issue in the legal community: can minors be prosecuted for sexting pursuant to child pornography laws? I felt that it was senseless to give minors a criminal record for sending around naked pictures of other minors and I feel that way today. At least I know I’m not the only one with this view. Today the House of the New Jersey General Assembly unanimously passed (78-0) a measure that would require minors to undergo an educational program, in lieu of criminal prosecution, for sexting. I’m sure the Senate will quickly approve the matter as well. Good job New Jersey (this still doesn’t make up for Jersey Shore though)!
Related articles
Today a judge ordered Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi to defend himself on April 6 on allegations that he had sex with a then underaged Moroccan model/prostitute named Karima El Mahroug, also known as Ruby “The Heart Stealer.” People first found out about the alleged tryst when Berlusconi had her released once the Milan police took her into custody for stealing cash.
Berlusconi will stand trial before a panel of three judges, all of which are female. Italian women are furious, as this incident is just but one of many in a country that has increasingly become more sexist.
The scandal hasn’t prevented from El Mahroug from taking a page out of the American playbook and cashing in on her fame. She’s even been in an advertisement to promote a book. If this commercial is in any way reflective of the sexist culture in Italy, I’d say things are pretty bad there. El Mahroug was paid 100,000 euros or 134,000 dollars for this low-budget ad in which she is randomly stripped to her undergarments by a guy resembling the Phantom of the Opera.
You know I’ll have more on this story once the trial starts.
Source: NPR News; Telegraph; Guardian
Today’s victim: Now Former Representative Christopher Lee of NY. Long story short, Lee is a married man with a kid that tried to hook up with a 34 year old SBF (single Black female) on Craig’s List. Craig’s List? The only thing “classier” is the photo he sent her.
Smile!
I would go more into the story, but Gawker, which broke the source, does such a good job. Check it out.
That's me in the back left
I had the distinctive privilege of meeting Ms. Kamala Harris in the summer of 2009 at an intimate fundraiser. If you don’t know who Kamala Harris is, you obviously haven’t been paying attention to the 2010 elections. Harris currently is the District Attorney in San Francisco and is currently in the lead for California’s attorney general (she still hasn’t officially been deemed the winner because it’s so close). If elected, she would be the first African-American and woman to hold the position. And to my knowledge, she’d be the first Indian-American to hold the position (she’s mixed).
I then read the comment section on the article and saw some of the criticisms that people had about her. One of the frequent critiques was that she slept her way to the top. As someone that views her in high esteem, I had to check this out.
It turns out that she did have a very public relationship with Willie Brown, former mayor of San Francisco. I found a 7-PAGE article from the SF Weekly entitled “Kamala’s Karma” detailing their relationship. According to the article:
Harris met Brown in 1994 when he was speaker of the state Assembly. She was 29, he was 60. Their May/December affair was the talk of the town during the year before Brown’s successful 1995 bid to become mayor. But shortly after he was inaugurated, Harris dumped Brown, a notorious womanizer.
The article further details that Brown even purchased her a 1994 BMW. I guess Brown is one of those old guys like J. Howard Marshall with an affinity for tricking. The article goes on:
Aside from handing her an expensive BMW, Brown appointed her to two patronage positions in state government that paid handsomely — more than $400,000 over five years. In 1994, she took a six-month leave of absence from her Alameda County job to join the Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board. Brown then appointed her to the California Medical Assistance Commission, where she served until 1998, attending two meetings a month for a $99,000 annual salary.
I know that love is blind, but I can’t think of any reason why Harris, a young, educated, well-off, attractive woman, would date someone twice her age. On top of that Brown and his wife, Blanche Vitero, have been separated since 1976 and remain married. Although her parents have different backgrounds -Black Stanford economics professor and East Indian doctor – I’m pretty sure they did approve of the relationship. To date, Harris has never married. She’s in her mid-forties and is still smoking hot. I’m sure she still gets hit on regularly. From what I’ve gathered, it appears she knows what she’s working with and how to use it to get what she wants.
But why do attractive women feel the need to actually have sex/relationships to advance their careers? I am aware there is a glass ceiling, but I do know that attractive woman can get ahead without also having to spread their legs. Just look at Sarah Palin. Her looks play a large role in where she is now and I’ve never heard anything about her sleeping around to become Governor of Alaska.
Harris has a promising future. As Attorney General of California, she’ll easily be one of the most powerful women in this nation. She has already made history and I wouldn’t be surprised if she decided to run for President of the United States. The issue naturally came up during the DA election and naturally will emerge if, and when, she runs for a higher office. If people made up rumors of Nikki Haley’s infidelity, can you imagine what they are going to do with this?
The Women that Cried Sexism
By now you’ve probably seen the story in Gawker alleging that Delaware Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell had a drunken, naked Halloween romp three years ago. The story—less than a week before the general election—was downright dirty. But it was not sexist.
The reason why this is a story is because O’Donnell is a huge proponent of sexual purity. These photos would be equally damning if she was a man speaking out against sex.
Similarly, the photos of Krystal Ball fellating a red dildo on her then-husband has nothing to do with sex. If her ex husband were running for the House, these photos would have come out. Let’s not forget that Scott Brown’s Cosmo shoot from when he was in law school was a big campaign issue. Ball can try to distance herself from the photos as much as she wants, but the truth is she, like Brown, was trust into the national spotlight because of it. And exposure = campaign contributions.
The truth is politics is a dirty game for both men and women. If you have anything that can be conceived as a skeleton, someone will bring it out.
Many people say we will have to accommodate changes on sexuality. I don’t think there is anything wrong with women expressing their sexuality, but that doesn’t mean you have to document it. There are just some things that should not end up on the Internet a la the Duke F*ck List. If you want to put your mouth around a dildo, don’t do it when there are cameras around.
There are real issues of sexism in politics such as Hillary Clinton being viewed as abrasive when this would be desirable for a male candidate. Also there were numerous (bogus) allegations that Nikki Haley committed adultery while she ran for governor of South Carolina. People don’t make up fake claims about male politicians committing affairs.
So the next time you think a woman is a target of sexism, stop and think whether a guy in the same category would have been treated the same way. Given the dirty nature of politics, if you did or said something, it will come back to haunt you male or female.
Meet Zac Goldsmith, age 35. He was recently elected to parliament. He’s also the son of a billionaire. And he’s an adulterer. And his wife filed for divorce. You know what that means. Yeah the Manogamy Movement’s favorite letter: L (liability). Like my mother, the philosopher, says, “You lay, you pay.” She’s usually talking about getting someone pregnant before marriage, but the phrase certainly applies to people that have affairs. Some people speculate that Goldsmith will have to fork out 150M pounds. Mrs. Goldsmith may not get this much, but she’s going to be broken off nonetheless.
Zac got married nearly 11 years ago when he was 24. He obviously wasn’t ready for marriage. Goldsmith’s alleged flame was with Alice Rothschild, a 26-year-old “banking dynasty heiress.” The crappy thing is that Alice’s sister Kate is married to Goldsmith’s brother Ben. This means that she’s his sister-in-law. Sucks to be you buddy, especially around the holidays (how awkward).
Source: Telegraph
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